Mommy Chronicles: What NOT To Do

I did the unthinkable. Something I knew not to do.

I was putting my daughter to sleep. We were seconds from the light being turned off. I heard a grunt.

“Are you pooping?” She’s only 11 months old. She didn’t respond. She just looked at me with her big, bright eyes.

“Let Mommy check.”

I pulled her onesie and diaper to the side and slipped my pointer finger into her diaper. Didn’t feel anything so I kept poking. That was when it happened.

I froze, closed my eyes and said a little prayer. “Dear God. Did I just put my finger in poo? I did, didn’t I?” My finger was covered in warm, stinky mush. It was super gross.

Take it from me. Don’t do this. There are so many other ways to check for a dirty diaper. And this is not the way.

While you’re at it, here are a few other things to avoid.

FOOD FIGHT – If your child is waving her hands and blowing air bubbles during meal time, don’t continue to feed her. Just pause for a minute. Unless of course you enjoy food splattered everywhere.

NIPPS BEWARE – If your baby’s teeth start coming in fast but you really want to keep nursing, ask yourself if you are up for the pain of a potential nipple bite. Better yet, stop nursing when your child has full-blown teeth and feels the urge to chew on everything. Even your tender lady parts.

LET THE STRETCH PANTS GO – You may get the urge to keep the maternity clothes and may even find yourself wearing them after you’ve lost the baby weight. Don’t. Resist the urge to put on those comfy maternity pants, bra or pj’s. As a matter of fact, if you don’t plan to get pregnant again, burn your maternity clothes. And fast.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT – You think the kids are fast asleep so you start doing the naughty, then, “bam!” the doors flies open and you and your mate pretend you’re doing naked yoga. Don’t get caught by the kiddies with the goodies out. Lock the bedroom door for goodness sakes. At least that gives you and your beau time to get your pants back on.

LET’S CELEBRATE – When my son went number two in his baby toilet for the first time, we had a poo party. Cupcakes, ice cream, singing, a balloon and even a candle. I think I even made up a crazy birthday-style song about pooping success. “Go Che Che, its your birthday. Not for real though, it’s your poop day!” Yep, we as parents celebrate poop and pee and walking and saying words that sound like words but aren’t actually words. Don’t think for a second you won’t. Just accept it. And bring out the bubbly.

DID I HEAR SOMETHING? – I always thought of myself as one of the boys although I’m all woman but having a son showed me that I know very little about the male species. Like how funny passing gas is. And how often they do it and enjoy it. When this happens, try not to be so serious. Yes, excessive gas passing is disgusting but it can also be quite funny. Don’t be a grinch.

DON’T TALK, JUST LISTEN – Listening to other people is good. But getting so caught up in advice, tips and tricks on how to raise the children that came out of your body, so much so that you lose sight of your own instinct? Yeah, don’t do that. We Mom’s are special. Trust yourself. You got this.

 

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